I missed my 13 year old nephew’s playoff game last night. His team lost so he will not being playing for another season. When I realized this around 8:30 p.m., I started to get down on myself. I mean I thought I was doing so well in trying to keep up with his games; but when it came down to it, I simply forgot. So, I gave myself time to feel disappointed, told myself that I am an awesome aunt, texted my nephew and apologized – he graciously typed “it is ok :)”, and set about moving onward.
There was a time when I would have followed through with negative self-talk – a stream of unspoken ‘negative and demoralizing’ thoughts running through your head over and over again. Telling myself I should plan and prioritize better so I would not miss the important things, put family before work by not staying so late to get things done, be more aware of how my behavior affects others or just be a better aunt. The reality is my negative self-talk did not help me or anyone. The truth is – it caused me more stress and anxiety.
Common forms of negative self-talk include:
Filtering
This is when you magnify the negative aspect of a situation and filter out all of the positive ones. For me I could have easily filtered out the times I did attend my nephew’s game and focus on missing his last one.
Catastrophizing
You automatically anticipate the worst. How about – if I forgot about my nephew’s game today what other important things am I forgetting?
Personalizing
When something bad occurs, you automatically blame yourself. I could have said to myself – my undependable behavior seems to cause negative things to happen to my nephew.
Polarizing
You see things only as either good or bad – there is no middle ground. I am a bad aunt.
So, how about you – do you say endless negative things to yourself when you feel you should have done better, are not good enough, or did something you want to take back?
You…
fell through on a promise to your child,
got home too late again to let the dog out,
spoke out in a meeting only to realize later what you said was incorrect,
accidently pulled out in front of a car,
gave an opinion no one else shared at a social gathering.
With time and practice you can learn to turn negative self-talk into positive self-talk.
Positive self-talk strategies:
Don’t say anything to yourself that you would not say to others.
You would not say…You’re too lazy to get this done.
Distract yourself when the negative self-talk creeps in.
Listen to music or read, go for a run or walk, pray or meditate.
Be gentle and encouraging with yourself.
You might say… I’ll give it another try.
Evaluate those negative thoughts when they occur.
Ask yourself if those thoughts are rational, then respond with affirmations of what is good about you.
And as always… hang out with positive people – they can be your support system.
If you feel you need an even simpler place to start here is your mantra.
I am an awesome… person, grandmother, driver, sister, coach, dad, neighbor, pet parent, worker, gardener, critic of red carpet fashion, friend.
Practice this mantra to yourself daily and you will find your thoughts turning more towards self-acceptance than self-criticism. Post your mantra where you will see it – on your calendar, computer, dashboard of your car or wallet. These notes may help you remember your positive mantra.
As for me…I am an awesome aunt – I am an awesome aunt – I am an awesome aunt!
