When children are small and don’t have a vocabulary, they have to find ways to communicate the anger or frustration they are feeling. They may bite or hit or throw themselves to the ground in a rage; the latter we call a temper tantrum. Temper tantrums usually come on suddenly and escalate quickly. So what can a parent do in this situation? Well you could give in to the child’s demands or leave your child alone until he calms down but that wouldn’t be good parenting and it wouldn’t stop tantrums in the future. Helping our children recognize their strong feelings, and then giving them the words to express them and techniques to manage those intense feelings works in the short and long term.
Why it happens
A tantrum is a child’s way of expressing his displeasure, disappointment or frustration with a task or toy or something that he wants that is being withheld. Your child may be hungry, thirsty or tired which exacerbates the issue. Parents often feel that their child is purposely trying to annoy or embarrass their parent but this just isn’t true. It is really about them and their feelings. When older children have tantrums (by age 5) it is typically a learned behavior. They have found they get what they want so why change their ways?
How to prevent
Tantrums can’t always be prevented but taking some steps prior to the melt down can certainly help. Here are some suggestions:
- Be consistent. Have a few rules and stick to them especially around things that seem to “trigger” your child’s strong feelings. Having consistent routines around bedtime, naps, meals and cleanup time are important.
- Plan ahead. Make sure your child is fed and well rested. Explain what the plan is and is not; bring a snack and/or something to occupy him like a book or toy. Then stick to the plan, many don’t do well with changes. Sometimes when children are behaving well we push them beyond their abilities and then wonder why they got upset.
- Offer choices. Rather than always forcing your decision, give your child choices like what shirt they would like to wear, what they want to eat etc. But the choices should be between items the parent approves of. For example, “would you like to wear your red jacket or the green windbreaker”?
- Use distraction. If you sense a tantrum coming try to distract your child by suggesting a different activity.
- Reconsider the situation. Once you see a pattern try to avoid it. For instance if your child acts up at restaurants, choose quick service places or warn the server ahead of time. Ask for crayons and always be prepared with a few distracting books or toys in your bag. If there is a toy that causes fighting don’t put it out.
Managing feelings
The most effective tool to manage tantrums is to help your child understand their feelings and find appropriate ways to handle them. From a very young age, parents can remind their child to “use your words” when he is upset and help them label their feelings. It gives them skills for managing emotions that stay with them throughout life. When children are not in a crisis, discuss with them what they can do when they feel strong feelings. A parent might ask, “What makes you feel calmer”? The child might answer “taking a deep breath” or “petting the dog” etc.
Talk to your children about how they feel explaining that feelings are acceptable but acting on them is not always okay. Teach them to take deep breaths or to think about a time when they felt calm, what adults call, “going to a happy place”. For instance, remind them how they feel when they are sitting on the backyard swing and to imagine that when they get upset. Discuss some alternatives like going to their room or swinging on the swing until they feel calmer. When the tantrum starts remind them of those options.
During the tantrum, check first for safety. Make sure the child cannot hurt himself or things like books or toys that might be in his path. Tell him it is ok to feel angry (or whatever emotion he is displaying) but you can’t let him get hurt or break the toy etc. Then offer him the options you have discussed when he was calm. If the tantrum continues, let it go and then discuss with him afterward.
Do not give in to your child’s demands; it will only increase the times they occur. Unfortunately parents need to be prepared to leave an event or a store when a child acts out in public. Calmly set aside what you were doing and remove the child from the situation. If you can’t calm her and get an agreement for cooperation, you need to leave. Your child will then know you mean business and you can use that as an example in the future: “Remember when we went to the park and you got so upset that we had to leave”?
Tantrums can be dealt with by first doing what we can to prepare our children for what is planned and what the expectations are. The next step is when they are calm, teaching them to recognize and label their feelings and use self-calming techniques so they handle the situation appropriately. This is a learning experience that will assist them throughout their lives. By age 5, children should have outgrown tantrums but if not or if the tantrums become violent and simple techniques don’t work, parents need to consult a professional.
