Are we worn out yet from kids’ birthday parties? It seems like parents are either trying to plan the perfect birthday party “palooza” of all time for their kids or are running around every other week buying yet another expensive gift for someone else’s child. Are either of those scenarios hitting home for you right now ?
I see three issues at play here. We like to be creative, we tend to be competitive, and we love our kids. Put those three characteristics together and you have the perfect formula for what I like to call the three “O’s;” overkill, overindulgence, and overdone. I remember an old episode of the Mary Tyler Moore show when Ted Baxter’s brother came to town, and the two men were constantly trying to one-up the other as to who was more famous, handsome, beloved, etc. You get the drift. Finally, Mary, in exasperation, suggested to Ted that he stop doing all this competing, to which Ted replied, “I will if he’ll do it first.” And Mary returned with “Why don’t you be first to be first?”
Someone, at some point, has to be the first to say “no more.” A birthday is a day to celebrate, but when you give a kid too much at too young of an age, there is no place else to go as the child ages and the stakes become higher. They understand more completely that it is their special day and their expectations of what should happen on that day increase exponentially. How do you top the bouncy house, clown, and pony show at three years of age when your child is 10? 16? 18?
I watched a show recently that featured over-the-top disco/red carpet birthday parties for teens that cost $15-$17,000. Even for parents that can afford it, is it really a good idea? What kind of message are we sending our children with all of this over-indulgence? How do you top it when you want to celebrate even bigger occasions such as graduation or a wedding? Dr. Sylvia Gearing, a nationally renowned psychiatrist and author, says that parents should not feel bad if they do not throw huge parties. “We already live in a culture in which children think that it’s all about them,” Gearing said. “There is not enough emotional accountability.”
Gearing is also concerned that lavish parties often do more harm than good; they can cloud a child’s view with an entitlement expectation. “If the bar is set too high, it sets a child up for an emotional letdown later in life that can never be met,” she said.
Birthdays were much more subdued when I was a kid. When it was your special day, you got to pick what was for dinner that night, blow out your candles, eat cake and ice cream for dessert, and open a couple of presents. My mother chose the ages of 7 and 16 as the two years that we could have birthday parties with friends. I followed the same format with my children.
Elizabeth Pleck, a retired history professor at the University of Illinois, has written a book that lays out the timeline of the evolution of birthday parties. It’s called Celebrating the Family: Ethnicity, Consumer Culture, and Family Rituals (Harvard University Press, 2000). She says that prior to the 1800’s, most children didn’t even know their own birthdates. Cake and presents became part of American culture in the 1830s, with family members being the only guests. It wasn’t until after World War II that parents began to stage age-appropriate parties. Fast forward 75 years, and now it seems like every single year has to be one enormous “whoop-ti-do.” Today’s lavish parties for young children are “unprecedented in American history,” Pleck says.
To me, it’s exhausting (not to mention expensive). I’m going to channel my inner Nancy Reagan here and “Just Say NO!” Be the first in your neighborhood or family to say you are taking back birthdays as quiet family events. Trust me, your friends and family will secretly be grateful that you are letting them off the hook. Wear your downsizing decision with pride. Ask yourself “what am I teaching my child when I overindulge them every year?” That they should always be the center of attention? That a big party equals love? Kids need to learn that the amount of money you spend on them, whether it is on a birthday party or on other material goods, does not equate to how much you love your child.
It is hard to resist social pressure, even for parents. When every other family is doing the big birthday extravaganza, it may be hard not to follow the herd. But if you want your children to learn and respect your values, you have to take a stand. Maybe this will be the arena in which you start!
Written by:
Donna Green
Extension Educator
Family and Consumer Sciences
Ohio State University Extension
