I don’t know too many couples who haven’t experienced infidelity. And no, I’m not talking about sexual infidelity. I’m referring to financial infidelity; which isn’t cheating on your spouse with another person, but cheating with money. Some people believe so strongly in the principle of financial integrity that in a recent Harris Interactive survey commissioned by lawyers.com and Redbook magazine, 1 in 4 responders (24%), reported that financial fidelity was more important in a relationship than sexual fidelity. The legal editor of lawyers.com, Alan Kopit, put it more bluntly when he summed up the statistic by saying “It’s one thing to fool around. It’s another to fool around with my hard-earned cash!”
Many people, if asked, will cop to financial infidelity. Sometimes, it’s a little fib about how much something actually cost. Telling your spouse you bought an item on sale when you really didn’t. But other times the lies are bigger, where literally one spouse is hiding thousands of dollars in credit card debt from the other. A few years ago, a local employer called to ask for financial advice for one of his employees. The man had worked hard for years, paid off his home, and was thinking about retirement. What he didn’t realize was that all the years he thought he was financially preparing to leave work, his wife had been accumulating massive amounts of consumer debt. She applied for (secretly) and ran up huge balances on their joint credit cards; over $40,000 if I remember correctly. You can only imagine the shock and devastation such a revelation would incur.
Some marriages never recover from that breach of trust. And this kind of cheating can lead to long-term credit problems that affect both partners, even if the marriage ends in divorce. Nationally, money issues are the number one reason cited by couples as a reason for their divorce. Individuals don’t want to tell a spouse about their spending habits because they don’t want to go through the confrontation such news is going to engender. But whether a marriage can recover from financial infidelity is going to depend a lot on the initial reason for the cheating. According to the survey mentioned above, most money arguments between couples revolve around purchases for themselves (50%), the general household budget (45%), or expenditures for children like clothing and toys (26%).
I’ve noticed in my financial education classes that many participants were raised to not “talk” about money issues. In reality, it is one of the first topics engaged couples should discuss, right up there with “do you want children?” Since many couples now marry at later ages, they may bring extensive monetary histories to the relationship. Is either half of the couple coming into the relationship with a lot of consumer debt? Student loan debt? Who will manage the finances? Is one person a saver and one a spendthrift? These issues are paramount when it comes to starting off a union on the right foot, and consequently laying a foundation of trust for years to come. Decide who will manage the day-to-day expenses of the family budget. Will you have separate or joint accounts? What limit will you place on personal purchases, before one spouse has to consult the other?
Keeping secrets about money has never been easier. But even if the deceptions are small, and even though there may be a legitimate reason for them, they can create a climate of mistrust and betrayal. A marriage starts with love, but family finances and how they are handled will be a major part of how well and long it proceeds.
Written By:
Donna Green
Extension Educator, Family & Consumer Sciences
Ohio State University Extension
